Jack and Jenny: My Brother Michael

To be honest, going into this post I feel intimidated. There is so much to express and I stress about what is the right way to get it across and also hope that I don't leave out anything important. So I am just going to go for it and hope that it can be felt from the heart.

My siblings and family mean the world to me. I have a special and close relationship with all of them. When it comes to my brother, I had a pretty close relationship with him because we are the closest in age. It also meant we fought ALL THE TIME, ha ha. My poor parents that had to put up with us... and other siblings for that matter. Even though we were always driving each other crazy, it was still so fun to do all the crazy things we did as kids. For example: Shooting a hornets nest with water guns. (His bright idea.) Paint balling. Adventuring in the fields. Skate parks. Playing with Dipper. Hunting. Fishing. Going to school. Building Snowmen. Mario Kart. Vacations. Basketball Games. The list goes on and on... But one night, something happened that would change all of that forever.

I was at my friend Jyllian's house when my older sister Amanda came to the door. It was weird because it was a Saturday night and it wasn't time to go home yet. I got to the door and she had a certain look on her face. She told me we had to go right then, that my brother Michael had been hurt. As we drove back to my house, I asked what happened. She told me she wasn't sure, she just knew it was bad and that we needed to get home so my mom could tell us everything. A few steps into the door, I saw my mom standing there sobbing uncontrollably. I asked what had happened. I found out that my brother had been in a gun accident and had passed away. I dropped to my knees. I remember screaming no over and over and over again. Even though I was screaming at the top of my lungs, it was as if I couldn't hear a thing. All I could think about was Michael and the fact that in this life time, I would never see him again. It ripped, broke, and shattered my heart more than I ever thought was possible. The days following were all a fog. I didn't care to eat, sleep, or do anything for that matter except for be with my family. I mourned to have him there with us. I felt as if I would never be happy again. I would never smile again.

Time continued to pass whether I liked it or not. Although it ached, life kept going no matter how much I willed it to stop. The hole that was made that day never went away. Yes, it is healed around the edges, no longer raw... but no matter how much time passes, it will always be there... and to me, that is okay. I know nothing can or should fill it. Over time though, I started to feel him there. Although I couldn't see him, I knew he was there. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it before.

As I paid really close attention and listened carefully to the things that were whispered to my heart, I began to see it was all part of God's plan. Even if I didn't like it or understand it, things were happening how they were meant to. I began to change as well. For the better. I understood better how valuable life is. I gained a stronger testimony of the fact that we CAN be with our loved ones forever. I treated people more kindly. I saw this world in a different light. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. 9 years today to be exact since my brother Michael passed.

Although a lot of time has gone by, I still have days that those edges are raw. I yearn to have him there on days like my wedding, graduation, etc. I wish to talk to him for just a few minutes to see where he is and what he is doing... but I know that even after all this time, he is still here. He still watches over my family and I. When I do stupid things like trip over my shoe, I still hear him laughing from above. He is still my crazy, obnoxious, bighearted, 6 ft. 5 in. big lurchy, athletic, witty, sarcastic, hardworking, loving older brother. He always will be. I have learned and grown so much from both what he taught me during his 16 years here on this earth and from his 9 years as my angel. One of my favorite lines from his obituary was, "He lived life the same way he played, above the rim." Even though I'm always a foot shorter and a few steps behind him, I strive to live the same way. I love ya buddy. I can't wait to see you again one day.

Love, your obnoxious little sister, Jenny.